Sometimes it feels like I'm living a story that someone, somewhere, is reading. I feel like the story relies more on my reactions then the actual happenings of the tale. Of everything that's happened to me, of all the sadness, happiness, hope, and loss; none of it matters. All that matters is that the main character develops and continues on. Sometimes I try to decipher how it will end, if some tragic event will take me down or if it is my hand that will bring it all to its knees. I wonder what decision I will make that will bring my story to its end. Perhaps my choice to join the military? Perhaps something less heroic.

I often think of all the characters I have destroyed in this telling, of all the ones removed completely from the fine print. I wonder if the reader mourns their passing as much as I do, if they truly understand my side. I wonder if I would read my own story with any interest, or if I would get sick of the stupid decisions and uneventful plot. I never have liked soap operas.

Most of all I realize that I am the author of this story, that though I cannot always control the events, it is I that shifts the storyline.

Whenever I pick up a book, I always read the last paragraph first; to see if the ending is worth getting to. I wish I could read the last paragraph of my story, and know that at least it will teach some sort of lesson, or provide the reader with a feeling; a feeling that keeps them thinking of the story long after it is finished.